Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
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The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.