ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
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Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”