You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
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[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.