Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
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Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”