Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
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A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.