Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
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There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
just got my engagement photos
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
I’m about to risk it all
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.