Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
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My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits