Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
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Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Who’s ready for Friday?!
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…