Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
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I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”