Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
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My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
I think about this a lot
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.