Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
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Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Sex so good you see dead people.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some