@Roxtalled: Practicing karate in my driveway to strike fear into potential burglars.
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@dom_selleck: Get on your knees. Crawl towards me. Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
@ehdannyboy: ME: you don't look anything like your profile photo TINDER DATE: LOL no, that's my pug, Arthur *silence for 10mins* ME: is Arthur coming or
@AbbieEvansXO: Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive Me: can I just text them
@flashember: WIFE: This is dumb. DAUGHTER: This is so stupid. ME: This is getting out of hand! THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I'M LEAVING