Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
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This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.