@imadepoopstoday: Practicing parenthood on an egg only teaches kids that if you cook your baby it's delicious.
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@deedragonhunter: Beer: When are you coming home. Me: Right away honey. See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
@pleatedjeans: *gets down on 1 knee* OMG *puts 2nd knee down* WHAT? *lays on floor* JIM? *snake noises* WHAT ARE YOU DOING? *slithers out of relationship*
@ramenfuneral: "how about an animal that looks like a cross between a horse and a barcode" - creator of zebras
@Book_Krazy: Boss: HR wants to see you Me: What for? Boss: Mandatory drug test Me: Oh man, I really can't do any more drugs after the weekend I had