@imadepoopstoday: Practicing parenthood on an egg only teaches kids that if you cook your baby it's delicious.
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@LionJenkins: Lawyer: Your Honor, this verdict is bullshit. I'm outta here! Judge: Litigator! Lawyer: After a while crocodile.
@pharmasean: I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
@davedittell: MY HOT WIFE: want to go down on me? [three minutes later] *riding my wife down the water slide* YEAHHHH