I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
You Might Also Like
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Holy shit he’s back
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
I camp so other people don’t have to.