Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
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Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
a public service announcement
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!