Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
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Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”