*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
You Might Also Like
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.