Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
You Might Also Like
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
so weird how every mom was born today
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.