@iRowlf: Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
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@QuiteQuietOne: I just peed in my bath. But don't worry, I won't drink the water. - 4 year old logic
@brennadine: [Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler? No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously]. Oh, good. [Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
@theshamingofjay: Friend 1: I was promoted. Friend 2: I got engaged. Friend 3: My wife is pregnant again. Me: One of my selfies almost got 50 likes.