Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
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Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does