Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
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Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run