i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
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[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Moms. The original autocorrect.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
That’s not how days work.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.