M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
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Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Pandas 🐼🖤
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.