@AndrewChamings: Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling "shrinking dog syndrome" while he's on your lap
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@sarcasm_inc: *approaches your table* Magic trick? *I hold out some cards with fake hands while my real hand pokes out of my shirt and steals your burger*
@ashmensch: Ambien: Remember the time we picked a fight with Gary's garden gnome, chugged a jar of mayonnaise & passed out naked in Arby's parking lot?
@CourtneyBale: [making a friend at work] Brain: Make it weird Me: *thinking* No stop it Brain: Say something weird Me: Get out of here, you Coworker: What?
@bridger_w: If you're behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you're not a threat by gently kissing their neck.