@AndrewChamings: Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling "shrinking dog syndrome" while he's on your lap
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@ItsDanSheehan: How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior's death?
@stephenjmolloy: Wife: "I'm sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over." Me: "You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over."
@jdawsey1: NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: "NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
@EndhooS: [1st day undercover] Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs? Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot Me: is ur gang hiring today?