Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
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[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.