Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
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Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster