Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
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Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people