@lawblob: pranking neighborhood teens by pulling my car into their driveway & putting a bow on it so they think their parents bought it for them
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@canadasandra: [getting a massage] Me: I have tension in my lower back. *therapist begins* Me: Lower. Me: Lower. Th: But that's your a- Me: Lower!
@faggrat: time zones are so weird like, australia is already in 2018, europe still in 2017 and the US in 1950...so weird lmaoo
@jewfacekilla: Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime? Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
@jergarl: *goes to bank Me: Hi, I need a loan. Banker: How much and what for? Me: Seventy three thousand. I'm making guacamole for the super bowl.