Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
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Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
When you’re Kinky but poor
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school