“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
You Might Also Like
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Dance like you’re not the father
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.