“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
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Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.