@davedittell: prayers by believers to a "Sweet Jesus" imply additional deities: Sour Jesus, Salty Jesus, Umami Jesus and, most frighteningly, Bitter Jesus
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@SCbchbum: Friend: I want a baby. Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
@thetits: BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife* CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno "reverse" card* B: SHIT ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
@PaperWash: me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter] cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm? me: snow storm?
@underchilde: [lying naked in bed] Her: Tell me your fantasy. Me: Well, I get in my car to drive to work, and for the entire trip, there is no traffic.