I am a gravy boat captain
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Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.