[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
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Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Go hard or stay average
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.