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@pleatedjeans: [praying in church]
Please God let church end early
@QwertyJones3: [Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.
Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
@RealSugarFree: I play a drinking game where i drink everytime i get an answer right on Jeopardy. Its a good way to stay sober.
@corinnemlwsw: Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it's an intervention.
@moxieblogger: If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don't have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
@DigitalDropz: My relationship with my Ex was very psychological...she's psycho and I'm logical.