[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
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So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
I love you…
…r dog.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
At least try to make it slightly believable