Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
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My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
uh oh
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install