Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
You Might Also Like
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Note to self: always read the final line
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.