@NotThatNixon: Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
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@RobElliottComic: Me: congrats! Are you pregnant? Her: (awkwardly) Noooo... Me: *panics* do you wanna be? -great save- thanks brain
@_mcgoof: Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp? "He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head." "No babe, this calls for a full dragon."
@kelkulus: My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I throw birds at pig houses.
@lenadunham: To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you're enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing