@NotThatNixon: Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
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@girl_a_whirl: WEBMD: Enter symptoms Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
@xLiserx: Ran into my ex on the street. He's got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
@huntigula: GUY: are u in the 1% ME: more like the 2% GUY: well that's still great ME: [wondering why this guy's so in to milk] it's pretty cool I guess
@ClichedOut: I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I'll have automatic street cred.