ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
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Just got to our Airbnb!
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?