Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
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Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Grow up never but we old may grow we
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.