E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
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Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
What is going on? 😅
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
What the dentist sees
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Oh my god