this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
You Might Also Like
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.