Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
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Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Still cracks me up
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day