PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
You Might Also Like
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.