Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
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crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
I triple waxed for this?
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.