Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
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My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
This fish is cracking me up
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.