Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
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Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
the three branches of government
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some