Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
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The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Oops
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes