“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
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Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
guys I’m going home
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women