“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
You Might Also Like
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”