@3sunzzz: 5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away. Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won't stop him. Good night, Sweetie.

@BoogTweets: Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?

@GianDoh: All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.

@imdaintyaf: People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS

@sofarrsogud: ME: [holding my breath] MY BREATH: This is nice.