@TheCiscoKidder: Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don't even look at my wife that much.

@mrsmith196645: Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I'm left wondering just how much he's actually been listening.

@murrman5: use this coupon for the pizza its expired whats the worst that could happen [calls wife 10min later] hello Im in something called pizza jail

@Strippers_Diary: "Can I buy you a drink?" "I'd rather just have the money"

@StarksWeek: "Holy shit, that guy eats a lot of pizza" -people that walk by my house on recycling day.