i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
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Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
“i am a sweet baby”
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!